HOMEOPATHY

You know vegetables? One of the most popular facts about vegetables is that they grow in the ground, and a popular fact about the ground is that it is just a pleasant conversational way of saying 'a load of shit'. That's not 'a load of shit' as in 'homeopathy is a load of shit', that's 'load of shit' as in 'look at that load of shit falling out of that cow'.

Now if we weren't dressed up as wizards, we would take the shitty vegetables and we would wash most of the shit off before putting them in our face. I say most because let's face it, there's going to be some sneaky Metal Gear Solid shit lurking round the back with a pistol somewhere,  but it ain't much and what's a bit more collateral damage in the war on food anyway?

However because we believe in homeopathy, in which dilution makes something more powerful, the more shit you remove, the more potent and shitty the remaining shit, until you might as well just eat a big plate of purest shit tending towards infinity. Do you eat the veg as it is, smeared in bona fide see-it-with-your-eyes shit, or do you clean it off up until the point that the no-fooling-science shit matches the renewed power of the fantasy wizard shit?

Also shit has a memory so presumably it remembers all the colons it's been through. It could have been through a horse, a donkey, a sparrow, a Belgian, a dodo, King Henry VIII, a mute swan, a black swan, a Bewick's swan, any number of geese, Oliver Twist, a cow, or your own father.

I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

EVOLVOLUTION

I READ that the universe was created last Friday in an hour and ten minutes at gas mark four. First the earth was born, and then the Sun to go around it, and then the stars to fill the space in between, and then the Moon to give us night. Right after that the birds were created, then the insects, then the dinosaurs, and then a badger. I think that was everything. When it was done, Rick Astley (for it is he) invented people, and behold or whatever, he said unto them that he would never run around nor desert them, and lo! it was quite good for a bit I suppose. Anyway then Cher - you remember her - was walking in the garden and decided to eat a beef and ale pie from the forbidden pie tree. Cher was all "yummo!", but Rick saw her through his telescope, and he was all, "wuuuut! oh NO don be eatin mah bidden pies HO", because he wasn't just the Holy Spirit he was also Tupac right, and he pulled out his nine and he shot Cher right in the voice, and she was like, "eeeh urrr aAAaaa!", and then she couldn't live in heaven or make good records any more, so she had to move to Hartlepool I don't know if it's true it's just what I heard but it is true it definitely is I've just written it down now so there.

Anyway that's why guns are good and abortions are wrong. Hope that helps.

(And if you didn't like my bollocks evolution story, just steal the good bits and make up your own. At the end of the week we'll see who's got the biggest bunch of believers. Whoever comes last's a Jew!)

People Google The Strangest Things

Things that people Google, only to find me:

• how to do magic that vomit out things
• failing crops
• fuck gravy
• brown shower
• simple man outfit for sunday garden wedding
• KC-135 Stratotanker
• people shooting flying pigs
• pig shoots wolf with gun
• small annoying child
• bioprecipitation
• stanley knife forward again
• tony's vomit cauldron revenge
• giraffe vomiting comedy act

Some of those people must walk away disappointed.

I’M NO NUCLEAR EXPERT

I realise that now. And yet I genuinely believe that any and all problems at stricken nuclear plant Fukushima could be speedily resolved with a special episode of The Crystal Maze.

I Just Don’t Libya Any More

By Ice Cube's measurements, this has not been the best of days.

PUPMKINS

I don't like pumpkins. Did I ever tell you about why I hate pumpkins? One of the reasons is that I always write 'pupmkins' and then have to go back, every single fucking time, but it's not the only one.

Sometimes I wake up in the night and there is a pumpkin man in my garden. He has a head that's a pumpkin, obviously, and then, which is slightly more difficult to effectively visualise, the rest of him is also bits of pumpkin. I don't know if you could use glue or welding or what but he has. I should point out that he is wearing a suit, and that's not made of pumpkin, it's made of old human skin and shreds of things from Debenhams.

Anyway I shout at him, 'oi, pumpkin man (you dick), get out of my garden, you're trampling on my pansies'. Pumpkin Man is all indignant and shit, and he shouts back, 'fuck you! I'm a pumpkin man, I'm a man made of pumpkins', which is admittedly true but I don't believe of any actual consequence.

Naturally I yell back at him some threat to come down there and fuck him up, and he's like, 'yeah but you won't', and I'm like 'no, probably not', and he stays down there for a bit just prancing and dancing and making a mess of the lawn with his hobnail boots. He does eventually fuck off but entirely of his own accord. I don't know what more I can do about it to be honest other than a restraining order or maybe hanging up CDs.

None of that is true of course but I have spent an inordinate amount of my own money trying to make it happen.

DATING SITES II: THE RETURN

After my profile became self-aware and murdered my last date with a car before going on the run from the law, I was pretty down about the whole online dating thing. However I recently met someone new and we were getting on quite well. I'd already sent her a picture of an elephant penis that I found on Google, so we decided to meet up and talk about things that we both liked such as crack cocaine and Josef Stalin.

Anyway there we were chatting when suddenly the police stormed the building and arrested me for murder of the wife that I definitely don't have. I was found guilty but while on the bus to Death Row, it crashed into a train and so I escaped by jumping into a river. Obviously I had to prove my innocence whilst avoiding capture by the US Marshals, so I went on the trail of the killer. I won't bore you with the details but it wasn't long before I found that it was all a conspiracy involving a new medicine with dangerous results that had been hidden by my evil profile for financial gain.

I'm not sure what I should do about this. I've tried reporting it to OKCupid via the 'simple statements of site problems' thread but so far they haven't replied. I could just fight my evil profile on a roof and knock it unconscious with a pipe but I can't be sure that I won't end up back in jail.

Has this sort of thing ever happened to anyone else?

DATING SITES I: THE FIRST ONE

SO I WAS GOING ON A DATE with a real woman (with real womanparts) who isn't a man or robot not even a bit this time no SIR. Anyway just as I was getting ready my computer starts making this coughing noise and I'm like 'WTF LOL' because that's how I talk. When I looked closer I could see that my excellent dating profile had detached itself from the page and was peering out of the screen at me.

Obviously I was all, 'get back in your box you carefully crafted work of unparalleled genius', but it was all growling and shit, saying 'if you go on a date and make me redundant I'll fuck you up good G'. I thought that was just nonsense; I mean it's the best one on there by about a million nautical miles but it can't actually hurt me can it?

Anyway a few twizzes on the clock later and I was out downtown impressin' my bitches 2 the maxxx (PS: they're plural now). Things were going pretty good and it looked like ATM was in the bag if you know what I'm saying (I don't), so I'm like 'let's chillax in the drop top 2 ma crib!' and they're all like 'yeah we loved you're self summary your awesome let's go!!' [sic].

BUT which is a bad way to start a sentence JUST THEN there's this screeching noise and my profile comes round the corner in a stolen Vauxhall Zafira and mows them all down. I'm like 'oh nozes' and whatever, 'I cant belief it!' etcetera, and whilst I'm trying to find the sponge my profile is just there looking at me all cool with the wipers on and bits of red everywhere. Fuck's sake. I wish I hadn't been so shit hot at writing it now. I didn't think it'd become self aware and develop its own irrational consciousness did I? Bollox!

...

Profile says he's to be called King Randolph the Vainglorious from now on, and that we have to make him a crown. He says that 46 stalks out of this sorry affair is pretty good going, but that no new messages is toss, and if he doesn't get to five thousand of both by midnight he's going to kill again. I don't know what to do with him. I tried to lock him in a cage but he's an intangible concept and he slides out through the bars.

I got into a fight

At B&Q, in the garden section, over some timber.

I got a suspended sentence and ninety hours community service.

TONIGHT ON ITV6

And now on ITV6, it's Raoul Night.

20.10 - RAOUL HAND LUKE

Paul Newman stars as Luke, the prisoner who will not conform or post coherent Facebook wall messages.

21.50 - BATTLE RAOUL

Gassed while on a study trip, Raoul awakes to find himself on the shithole island of Lindisfarne. If he is to survive, he must battle to the death against warblers, wigeons and British folk/rock band Lindisfarne.

23.52 - DERREN BROWN'S RUSSIAN RAOULETTE

Episode 1 of short lived 2010 series feat. psychic bollock Derren Brown and madman Raoul Moat. In a desperate attempt to piggyback on to the news, Derren plays the infamous game with the fugitive. Moat has two shotguns and no understanding of the rules. Cameo appearances from cast of Heartbeat.

00.00 - CLOSEDOWN

Leave me alone I don't have any more.